This month has been oddly challenging for me as we grow closer to my diagnosis date. I find myself constantly reflecting on this year but also remembering what it was like this time last year for me. I knew that I had a lump and I also knew that I had a swollen lymph node but I didn’t truly know what was about to happen with my upcoming biopsy. In my personal life I was planning our wedding, traveling and buying a house for the year of 2017; and at work I sat in meetings and planned projects and timelines for 2017. There is so much of everything that I had planned that changed that first week of 2017. I can’t help but get a little nervous about making plans now and sitting in meetings for work getting excited about upcoming projects but yet feeling hesitant because it is so similar to how I felt last year and the plans I was making then.
I don’t know about anyone else but at my work in every meeting or conversation I continuously hear the words “it’s all about the numbers.” Nothing moves forward without showing the numbers you have to support your proposal or your request for whatever project you are working on. Well, due to my reflective state this last month [and this year], I heard those words again “it’s all about the numbers” but this time it triggered something within me. It made me wonder about the numbers in my own life for my cancer journey and what they meant to me, what they showed me. I started to write down a few things in my journal and the numbers really did astonish me, they did actually show me something.
During the year of 2017 I have experienced:
125 doctor visits
50 needle pokes (via my arm, my port or my breasts)
30 radiation treatments
10 scars from surgery
6 chemo treatments
5 permanent dot tattoos for radiation
4 types of poison/drugs ran through my body to treat cancer
3 surgeries (totaling 10 hours)
2 pills prescribed for daily use for the next 5 years
1 port placed inside my chest for chemo and the HER2 drugs
These numbers astonish me for a variety of reasons, the first being that before 2017 I had less than 5 doctor appointments a year and that included my dentist and optometrist – the number above doesn’t even include those doctors. There are also numbers that I didn’t include or numbers that I have forgotten about; most of those numbers above I have because I have access to them in the online health app for my care. I did not put these numbers up for anyone to feel sorry for me, I mostly put them up there out of curiosity of what my year looked like since I felt like I lived at the hospital many days. I also put them up there because there are two numbers that I didn’t include and they are the two numbers that matter the most to me this year.
The first number I didn’t include is the number that I can’t count, it is the number of supporters that I had this year. When it came time for me to publicly put out there that I had cancer I was scared, I didn’t know what to expect but I can tell you I definitely didn’t expect the outpouring of love and support I received. It was overwhelming and shocking in such an amazing way at how many people reached out to me and my husband and offered their encouraging words, prayers and just overall support. That support was inspiring and helped push me forward every day. The support came through personal messages sent in the mail, email, online messaging, text messages, Snapchats, Instagram, Facebook, gifts, time, food and so much more. There is no way that I will ever be able to explain how much all this support meant to me and how much I learned from everyone involved in our life this year; it truly changed me and my husband.
The second number is: 1 positive attitude. When 2016 came to an end and 2017 was beginning I vowed that I was going to make 2017 one of the best years yet and nothing was going to stop me, not even cancer. The diagnosis was extremely hard and there were many things that through 2017 were not easy, not by a long stretch. Despite all of that I still remained committed to my vow of making 2017 amazing, cancer was not going to get the best of me. Through everything this year, I found silver linings and learned to make jokes and laugh about my cancer. I even laughed with my care team members and made jokes about some of the worst side effects that happen from cancer treatments. It may not have been the way everyone else would have dealt with it and sometimes it wasn’t the way others wanted me to deal with it but it was the best way I knew. Staying positive and laughing was what helped me through every step of my journey and I think sometimes it also helped others feel comfortable around me because they didn’t have to tiptoe around the subject.
My point to all of this is that we all make choices, this year I chose every day to get up and fight but I also chose to put a smile on my face and to laugh about everything I could. The attitude I chose to have throughout 2017 was MY choice, I could’ve let what I was going through get the best of me but I didn’t. Along my journey I met many people who were unhappy or upset and were often rude to nurses, doctors and others around them. I also heard stories about people in someone’s life who were going through cancer or something just as challenging and were shutting themselves off from other people and the world because of what they were going through. That’s all an option too. I am not saying I don’t understand the anger, frustration, sadness or other range of emotions that someone feels going through something like cancer; I had them at times too. My point is that you shouldn’t let that guide your life, you will miss out on so much.
Cancer puts many things in perspective but some people need to see things in writing to understand it or have it make sense, which is why I also posted the numbers above because they put things in perspective too. There are a lot of reasons as to why I could’ve been cranky in 2017, I could be ending 2017 saying that it was the worst year I have ever had but I’m not. Instead I am writing this blog entry with a smile and looking back on this year fondly, it was a hard year but I also have so much to be happy for this year.
As we all head into 2018 and say goodbye to 2017 I look at one of the most challenging chapters in my life and I realize that the most important part that got me through 2017 was my attitude and all those around me that supported my husband and I this year. I chose how I was going to handle every curve ball that came my way and the promise I made to myself at the end of 2016 stayed true. Despite everything I still made 2017 the best year I could and I have no plans to change my attitude going into 2018. We all have a choice in how we handle the tough situations in our life, let’s all choose wisely as we plan our New Years resolutions and begin a brand-new year.
Happy New Year!! Bring on 2018 and all it has in store for us!
