October is upon us and most of us know that means we will be seeing a lot of pink every where because it is Breast Cancer Awareness month. As this month got closer I couldn’t help but think about how this month has a new meaning for me, even the color pink has a new meaning to it. Prior to this year I still knew what October was, I would see the pink everywhere and see the commercials on TV or social media reminding me of which cause was being focused on. I saw the reminders but I never saw them, I never took them in. What I mean is that I would just continue to go on with my life or block out the information that was being provided. I didn’t do this because I didn’t care, I did it because I was too busy focused on other things in my life and I didn’t think it applied to me. I knew I was supposed to do self exams, but I didn’t. I knew that after I turned 40 I should get mammograms, but I wasn’t 40 yet. I knew that you could get cancer if you were under the age of 40 but that’s because of genetics, your family had a history of it and mine didn’t so I didn’t need to worry. I was wrong.
I went to my annual exams with my gynecologist and they always checked my breasts to make sure everything was fine, and it always was. In fact, in 2016 I had an exam in May and my gynecologist did a breast exam and there was nothing unusual. Then, in October I randomly noticed a lump on my breast while brushing my hand over my left breast while moving my hair. I was 33 and my family never had a history of breast cancer, that couldn’t possibly be what it was… could it? I waited two weeks before calling my doctor to set up an appointment and then she told me to wait 4-6 more weeks before contacting her back. I waited because I was scared and I wanted to believe it was nothing but something told me it wasn’t; so I waited. Once I went in to the doctor she felt the lump and measured the size but she told me to wait it out another 4-6 weeks. She said I was young and with no history it was likely a cyst that would go away on its own. I was nervous, my husband was nervous, but we waited. As the weeks continued I started to feel like it was getting bigger, I didn’t feel like it was going away.
After six weeks went by I called my doctors office and they told me I was going to go in for a mammogram and an ultrasound to have it checked. They said it was probably nothing but we should get it checked out anyways. Once the referral was completed and a date was found it was the middle of December and they noticed that the lump I could feel (and one other) didn’t look right and they also noticed my lymph node was swollen; but again… I’m young and it was respiratory season so that can cause lymph nodes to swell. Let’s do a biopsy just to be sure. With the holidays my biopsy wasn’t scheduled until January 4th, a little over two months since I had originally found the lump. Two days later when the doctor who did the biopsy called me I could hear it in her voice. She started to tell me about the lump that was benign and I knew, it was cancer. There is was always a part of me that had a feeling it was cancer all along but I was so scared I couldn’t admit it. I had only told four people about the lump because I was “sure” that it was nothing and I didn’t want to worry people for no reason. I constantly told myself and these four people that it would probably be nothing and there was no way it was cancer, it just wasn’t.
I’m not telling you these things because I want you to feel sorry for me or because I’m blaming myself for the diagnosis, nor am I blaming my doctor. I’m telling you this because I want people to think of the bigger meaning behind this month. While breast cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer, there are still a lot of women with breast cancer that don’t survive and after surviving myself… I don’t wish the year I’ve had on anyone. There are so many women that are being diagnosed every year and many of them are under the age of 40. No matter what your age you should be giving yourself exams, make sure you’re going to your annual appointments and if someone tells you to wait before an ultrasound… consider asking if you can schedule the ultrasound now and don’t wait.
I ask that you not just turn the channel, ignore the conversation or roll your eyes when you see a pink ribbon because you think you’ve heard it all or because you are busy doing something else. Remember that while you are busy living your life someone else is fighting for theirs and others are grieving the loss of someone who no longer has their life. Cancer can affect anyone at any time, it doesn’t care what your plans are. I was supposed to have a huge wedding this year, I was going to buy a house, I was going to travel… and then everything changed. October reminds me of where I have been and the color pink reminds me of the support and strength I found this year. If you haven’t been affected by this month or by another month that supports awareness for a cause, I urge you to take the time to listen to someone’s story and learn something from it. I’d rather help you understand what I went through and what I’ve gained from it than have you find out on your own. However, if you’re reading this and you find yourself in a similar position as I did this year… know that there is support out there and that you are not alone.