I remember these days like they were just yesterday. Days where it took everything I had just to walk from the bathroom to the living room; I’m still impressed with myself when I can walk 5ft without needing a break. Showers alone used to take an unexplained amount of energy, I always had to lay down when I was done because they took so much from me. When I would get ready to go to work or leave the house for anything I would have to start getting ready 4 hours in advance because that’s how long it would take me to do things. By the end of the day I had used so much energy just trying to be awake that I was ready for bed by 6pm. I never slept well, I would wake in the middle of the night with fears of what might be next or the reality of what I was living. I had a lot of guilt because of what I was putting those around me through, especially Nick.
There were so many moments where Nick had to just sit there and watch me struggle and watch me be in pain and he could do nothing. I can’t imagine what those moments were like for him. I had friends who had to help me walk or drive my car to the garage at work because the walk from the garage was too much for me. They watched me lose color and turn practically gray on some days. They watched me go from drinking bottles of water a day without a thought to barely being able to choke down 15oz of water because of the taste in my mouth. Those around me fought this fight with me, they worried with me, cried with me, laughed with me and most importantly they stayed strong with me. I never felt alone.
It never was easy. It never felt like it was going fast. But every day I chose to wake up, put on a smile and fight because I always had a countdown going. I always knew there would be an end to what I was feeling some day. I fought with positive thoughts, sarcasm and laughter. Those were the best medicines I had in my arsenal and they had always gotten me through other hard times so why should this be any different? There is so much about cancer and chemo and the entire fight that is negative I felt the only way to combat it was with positivity and humor. It made it easier to take one more step forward.
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”
When you go through something like this you find a strength you didn’t know you had, even when your body is the weakest it’s ever been. You find the ability to get up and fight one more day, even when you have your moments of frustration when all you know to do is cry, you’re still fighting. The strength a person has to go through something like cancer is truly amazing. It is kind of what oddly, and unfortunately, bonds a variety of cancer warriors together. We know what the other one might be going through and what they have to face every day.
I sometimes struggle with guilt that I was so fortunate to have the chemo and surgery work as well as they did. I am extremely fortunate to say I am a survivor and I never forget what those words truly mean to me and to others. However, I feel guilt that I am a survivor and there are so many others out there fighting. When I sit in the waiting room for my appointments or I’m sitting in an infusion center next to a woman who is just starting her journey and I know she will be there today for more than 5 hours, I feel guilt as I leave after 30 min. I wish I knew how to explain this feeling, I absolutely do not wish I was still going through my fight but it’s hard knowing that others aren’t as lucky. It’s hard not being able to tell others that it can get better because there is no guarantee and you know that saying it will get better doesn’t help ease the pain or the fear of a cancer patient.
I felt it was important to post this entry so close to Thanksgiving because I can’t think of anything I am more thankful for this year than my life. I was fortunate to catch my cancer fairly early and extremely fortunate to have had a cancer that has had so much success within treatment that while I was still scared, I knew there was a lot of resources for me and my care team. I am so thankful for all that I have learned and experienced this year, I have a new respect for everything around me and I make sure every day that I am not taking advantage of anything or anyone. I am also extremely thankful for the people in my life that have been there and supported me and my husband as we walked this journey together. We didn’t always do everything right but we did the best we could for what we thought was right at the time and in the end we are stronger and closer than we could’ve ever imaged. If I could write an individual thank you to everyone in my life right here I would, but I think I might need another plan for that…
Here is what I know, I am more thankful this year than I have ever been before and I know that I will barely ever have enough words to describe it all to those around me. So instead I ask a favor to those reading this, at Thanksgiving this year do not just go through the motions of Thanksgiving. Take a look around you, take unlimited moments to lift your head from your phone and social media and be thankful for the people around you. These moments are ones you will not get back and the people around you have a significant meaning in your life; even if sometimes those relationships are stressful or frustrating. Everything in your life has brought you to where you are today and you are able to have family and/or friends around you, food to eat, or even a job to go to for those working on Thanksgiving. Take the moment to just be thankful for you and where you are in life; and if it’s not where you want to be then take the time to commit to yourself and make the changes you want to see. We only have one shot at this life that we are living, make the most of it.
Happy Thanksgiving!!