This photo was taken in my hotel room in Ohio during a day where I was complimented by my Starbucks barista because I had a great hair cut. I just smiled and said thank you and let her believe that this hair cut was a choice. All the while I sat thinking to myself how much she didn’t know by looking at this hair cut. It also reminded me of an Instagram post that I saw a few weeks back from a fellow cancer fighter. She posted a photo of herself and talked about all the things that people don’t see in the photo, not for pity or sympathy, but to help others understand and maybe help others know they are not alone. That’s what I would like to reflect on a little bit here today. Throughout my year I have kept a real positive attitude and I tried to put a smile on my face every day and just enjoy being wherever I was. At one point while going through chemo I was at work and I was told how fortunate I was because it didn’t appear that I was having a hard time and others have it worse than me. I was disturbed by this statement because while it was true, there are some that experience chemo differently than I and some have it worse and some have it better, no matter the situation I don’t consider anyone in my position to be fortunate. I also thought to myself that it was a slightly blind comment since this person didn’t see me at home after my treatments, they often saw me 14-21 days after when I was starting to feel a little better. I never felt that I should have to act like I was having a hard time, what good would that do? I believe in the strength of positivity and so I chose (and choose) every day to put a smile on my face, even on bad days. Eventually things would pass and no matter how hard the day, things could always be worse.
I don’t want to live every day with a crappy attitude just because others feel it’s what I should do. I don’t need to complain or divulge every difficulty that is taking place, it doesn’t do me or anyone around me any good. I know that there were a few people in my life that felt I should cry more or be angry more than I was or even depend more on others because “that’s what people do;” well, it’s not what I do. I choose to find the humor in my situation and laugh about it. I make jokes all the time about having cancer, some may find it offensive but I’m not worried about them. Being able to laugh and have fun with it is what has made living with cancer easier and it gives my husband and I more strength to get through the hard stuff. Cancer may have knocked me down a little bit but I got right back up and told it that it “hits like a bitch,” just like my mug told me to do. I may have had cancer but cancer wasn’t who I was, it wasn’t all of me, it was just a part of me. During this year, especially the hard times, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to smile and most importantly… I wanted to be as normal as I could be when I could be. I didn’t want cancer to take the center spotlight of my life, so I chose to be positive.
I don’t want pity and I don’t want sympathy, that’s not why I share and that’s also not why I don’t share some things. My hope is that those reading this walk away and remember that what you see in pictures or what you see when I’m in public laughing and having a good time isn’t always the whole truth. The quote to “be kind because everyone is fighting a hard battle,” is a great quote because you don’t know what people are going through and you shouldn’t assume that you do. We all cope with things differently and it doesn’t make us better or worse than one another, it just makes us human. Therefore, let me tell you a little bit about what you don’t see in this photo:
Fear. In this photo you don’t see the fear that I have daily that my cancer will come back. Sure, it hasn’t been that long that I’ve been cancer free but I’ve been scared of my cancer coming back from the day I was diagnosed. I’ve also been afraid of getting a secondary cancer caused from everything I had to go through to rid myself of the breast cancer. It’s a fear and a legitimate one that I’m not sure will ever fully leave me. Every pain, lump, scratch or weird feeling gives me a small worry that it could be cancer. I have fears, every day, but I do not let them control my life. If anything, these fears give me a greater strength to remember who I am and what I want for me and my future.
Scars. You cannot see my scars from my surgeries, there are a total of seven and nine if you include those from port that is still with me. I actually love scars, they tell a story and remind you where you’ve been. For me, it reminds me how strong I’ve been this year. It was not an easy decision to remove my ovaries but I knew it was for the better. The pain I experienced during my mastectomy was some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt, but I pushed through it. I stopped taking pain meds three days after my surgery because I didn’t like how they made me feel, most of my pain I managed with Tylenol. I like my scars and I don’t mind looking at them, I don’t mind letting my husband see them.
Frustration. Frustration is something I have felt a lot of this year. There was frustration that I didn’t know when I would feel better, when I would stop feeling sick and on occasion there has been frustration with myself. It’s hard being in this situation and being asked to make decisions that no one can help you on. Sometimes you make the wrong decision and you don’t realize it until it’s too late and then you have to just come to terms with it. That has been one of the biggest frustrations I have had, there was one item I had a choice on and I feel I made the wrong decision. I’m coming to terms with it and moving past it but it has been hard and on occasion I still get upset about it.
Emotions. Yes, I have them. Who knew right? I don’t always like to share the sensitive side of me and there are very few people that I trusted to show my emotions to during this journey. One of them was my husband, he had to experience a lot of emotions with me and it wasn’t always easy. I did cry and sometimes I cried when I didn’t expect it. I remember many times just trying to shower and I would just start crying. For a few weeks the shower was where I cried, I was alone and no one would bother me and while that was kind of nice it also made me think more about what I was going through.
Pain. Although my chemo was a few months ago, I still have residual pains and side effects. During chemo, I remember someone saying they didn’t know it was that bad… well, it wasn’t a carnival ride. There were many days where I could only lie in the fetal position or where I couldn’t stop moving my body because nothing was comfortable. There were a few really bad nights where my husband had to just sit by the bed and watch me crying and moving in pain not understanding why it hurt so bad or why I couldn’t stop using the restroom. I had bone and muscle pain like I had never felt before. My first 7-10 days after my chemo infusions were some of the toughest days I have ever had to go through.
These days everything is shared on social media and while I enjoy seeing everyone’s photos and updates, I also know not everything is always as easy or happy as it seems. The mother who posts the amazingly adorable photo of her and her child smiling isn’t telling you that 10 minutes earlier her child was screaming at the top of their lungs because they couldn’t stick their finger in the electrical outlet on the wall. Or the woman who posts a smiling photo of herself laying on the ground eating dinner doesn’t show you the photo of her from 30 minutes before when she was lying on the bathroom floor in agonizing pain because her chemo drugs are poisoning her insides. I’m not saying we all need to share the hard times with each other, I just ask that we remember the reality of life and of being humans. And when we do share some of the realities in life we remember that it is to help others understand or maybe just to help someone else going through a tough time. It’s nice to remember that we are all human; that we’re not all perfect all the time.